Beneath My Feet
by quibbler149
Summary: Life is marked with pains. The dearest is always so near and yet so far. Nate-centric


_Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl, or anything, or… are you even reading this?_

**Title: **Beneath My Feet

**Author: **quibbler149

**Summary: **Life is marked with pains. The dearest is always so near and yet so far. NB Oneshot.

**Characters: **Nate A., Blair W.

(o) - O - (o)

"It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it."

**-****Francois De La Rochefoucauld**

(o) - O - (o)

It's Christmas and the snow drifts in swollen heaps on the spotted pavements outside.

Nate eyes the table of delicacies, saliva dripping off his tongue.

It's so beautiful, so ideal.

But he is jerked back to flaws when he hears a muffled scream inside his parents' room. There's the distinctive sound of a slap and a thump.

It's time to go.

So Nate crawls into his wardrobe, the walls softly encompassing him, the light obscured. He is protected. He is safe. He clamps his hands to his ears, swallowing the fear that is natural for a three-year-old to feel. There's a rustle of fabric when he leans against the back wall. It's getting hot.

He sweats and breathes ragged breaths in the musty air.

"Nate? Nate?"

His mother is calling him.

His sanctuary is discovered.

Nate tumbles out, eyes unblinking, the 100-watt bulb diluting his pupils.

His mother thinks he doesn't notice. She thinks he doesn't notice the extra layer of concealer, the redrawn eyeliner, the smudged traces of tears.

He notices.

But he doesn't ask.

Who would give him an answer anyway?

The Christmas is silent, lost souls mournfully singing their cries of untold stories. Nate pretends it's perfect. That's what they want him to pretend anyway.

He's five when he meets Blair Waldorf. She's sitting on a plastic stool, wrinkling her nose and disdainfully brushing lint off her cashmere coat. Her curls are so faultless, her hair band so neat, tilted at a certain angle to hold back her espresso hair. She spares him a smile.

Nate thinks he's in love.

Before he knows it, he is swept into the deceitful world of the Upper East Side.

There's champagne and caviar and ruthless gossip and endless parties and Dartmouth. He opens his mouth to object but shuts it again when his father shoots him a glare. Dartmouth wouldn't be that bad, anyway.

But life is boring.

He's tiring of it all. Blair is the same. She has the same eyes, lips, hair, upturned nose. She's so perfect that Nate can't stand it. He is smothered by perfection.

So he reaches for Serena, that wild and untamed girl frolicking through rings of fire.

It's her hair. It's her scorching passion. It's those smoky, smoky eyes.

Nate knows this is wrong. He glances at Blair and senses her hurt. He's hurt too. He's been hurt for a long time.

And then Serena leaves. He's left wanting more. He wants more nights and more laughs and more danger. Instead, he's got Blair with the plans and the careful smiles and the elegant dresses that don't show more than it's supposed to.

He tries to make do.

It's easier if he sinks into a world of partying and drinks and so many, many drugs.

Chuck laughs and directs him towards more vices.

"Seal the deal."

He doesn't know that Nate already has. Just not with the right girl.

But his mind protests. Is Blair really the right girl?

It takes him Serena's rejection, his father's drug bust and Blair's distance to realize that, indeed, she is the one.

What a cruel joke.

She wanted him when he wanted her best friend. Now that he wants her, she seems to long to be rid of him. He sees the multiple texts buzzing through her orange EnV and the shy smiles. They used to be reserved for him.

He pleads for Chuck's help. Chuck agrees awkwardly.

It doesn't register in his mind that Chuck is never awkward.

Never.

The messenger tells him about Carter Baizen and his filthy hands and his disgusting yearning for his Blair.

Nate sees red.

He punches Carter.

He gets the girl.

Blair is more beautiful than he remembered. She seems older, more mysterious. The hair band is gone when she traces her nails down his chest. He doesn't know this Blair. This excites him more than Serena ever did.

But Blair avoids him still. He is confused.

It's clear later.

Nate sees red again. Only this time the color is more than red. It's more than scarlet and maroon and velvet. He sees something beyond rage.

Chuck is slammed against his limo, betrayal seeping into Nate's vision.

"Stay away."

Their friendship is over.

Nate feels nothing but disgust when Blair approaches him, hair band back in place. He likes to think that this is what she really was. But his heart softens when she walks away, her head drooped in sad defeat, coat swishing past her knees.

It's too late.

He lets her go.

Vanessa is an easy distraction.

Jenny is an easy distraction.

They are not Blair.

And Blair is gone because Chuck claims her. And he realizes just how much he's lost.

He looks over to see her nuzzling her giggles into his best friend's neck.

It's Christmas and the snow drifts in swollen heaps on the spotted pavements outside.

Nate sits at the table, watching his friends.

There's Blair with Chuck, the rings sparkling on their fingers, their perfect two darlings crawling on their knees. He notices the girl has a hair band and the boy wears a scarf. They are so sweet that Nate feels sick.

There's Serena with whatever husband she is currently engaged with. Is it her fifth? Her sixth? He cannot remember anymore. He notices her shiny lipstick inking a stain on the crystal champagne flute. Her little girl sits in a tiny dress, golden waves tumbling down one shoulder. It's like seeing Serena all over again.

There's Nate with his second divorce, his empty apartment, his childless existence.

And he buries his head in his shaking hands, wondering what the hell he's doing.

**AN: Nate is not my favorite male GG character. Obviously, Chuck is. But because of that, I decided I would write a story from Nate's POV. It's good to challenge myself! I got a bit lazy at the end, but it's… acceptable, I guess. There's not much Serena, so I'm sorry. But lots of Blair-pining! I started and ended with Christmas because it's December and the 25****th**** shall soon be upon us! Merry Christmas, all!**


End file.
